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I am not feeling very romantic.

This is the first Valentine’s Day in several years that I’m going to be single. Which isn’t the sort of thing I ever thought I’d be sharing online; I’m a pretty private person, and I was careful to keep my relationship off social media. But it turns out that breaking up with a long-term partner, especially someone with whom you lived, is a world-altering experience that must be accounted for. If only because I feel the need to explain why my eyes suddenly look like giant golf balls.

So, while I’m cognizant of all the various people who might be close-reading this newsletter, I am going to try and be honest.

I find myself cleaning a lot, and paying parking tickets I’ve avoided, and scheduling unnecessary appointments with superfluous doctors. I am staying busy with things that require little mental work as I try to keep at least the most mundane parts of my life intact. Shrinks would probably suggest logging off, but being online has become part of my daily routine (and indeed, my job). Knocking out another pillar of stability, however wobbly it may be, seems like a recipe for disaster.

So, I’m here. I’m posting. I’m writing. I’m seeing my friends and my family and keeping my head above water in the ways I know how. It sucks. Is there really more to say than that? It is hard and painful and sometimes I feel brave but I am also sad and scared. I’ll be fine one minute, and the next I’ll see a new snack he might have enjoyed, or learn a piece of gossip that would have thrilled him, and then suddenly I’m crying in a Walmart. It’s the little moments, those small moth holes eaten thru the fabric of my existence, that hurt the most.

I am overwhelmed by the sensation that there is no way anyone has ever gone thru this because how the fuck could you survive it, even though you’d think I might have seen enough romance movies at this point to get the gist. Heartbreak—my first—feels terrible in a place like this.

Here is what I’ve learned. As I wrote this list, I realized that every single line item was something older women had told me before. But I had to find out firsthand, because growing up is an inherently unoriginal activity.

1. Therapy-speak gets in the way of the real stuff.

2. Doing the right thing usually blows a lot harder than doing the easy thing, and being comfortable is not the same as being fulfilled.

3. The first fight you have is the last fight you have. Decide if it’s one you can live with.

4. A person can be perfect for your present and wrong for your future.

5. Crying a lot dries out your skin. Drink electrolytes.

There is no perfect breakup formula. Unlike everything else in 2026, it can’t be sanitized and AI-generated and double-checked by corporate’s legal department. I’m trying to think of that as a gift—a reminder of what it is to be human. I wrote a lot of this as I watched my partner move out of our home. It was messy. So is life.

Thanks for reading. Hug your friends.

Happy Valentine’s Day.